Personal Archives - Christel Maritz

6 Antidepressant Side Effects I Didn’t See Coming

To say it’s a game-changer would be the understatement of the year.

In recent years, depression had become more widely understood. This has been, in many ways, fantastic for those of us who suffer from what is sometimes referred to as “the black dog.” At other times, it can be frustrating, because there’s more to depression that people outside it first suppose.

Everyone is familiar with the numbness, the crying and the suicidal thoughts — the head stuff, if you like. Those of us stuck with it also know there’s more to it than that, but it’s difficult to know exactly what.

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I’ve had depression all my life and I had no idea some of these things were so strongly related to my condition, until, well… my meds started working. It makes it a lot easier to like yourself when you find out that you aren’t as lazy, scatty, or clingy as you may appear.

So, for all those people with a vested interest in depression and those of us who suffer from it, here are the things I couldn’t do until my meds started working.

1. I Was Able to Finish Reading a Book in Less Than Six Weeks

Depression messes with your concentration. It never occurred to me that the reason I couldn’t read more than a page or so at a time of any given novel had more to do with my depression than my dyslexia. I thought I was just too slow at reading, then my meds worked.

2. I Was Finally Able to Sleep With the Lights Off

I couldn’t shake the feeling of the world closing in. If I couldn’t see anything at all, I would start to hyperventilate. I hated the isolation. At my lowest point, I suffered auditory hallucinations. On top of that, my chemicals were so out of whack that I didn’t need darkness to sleep anyway, I just needed opportunity — not even comfortable opportunity.

I’ve slept in lecture theaters, face down on computer keyboards, and even once in a supermarket. Now, it’s a different story. I have to have low light and take my time to drop off. Being able to read more than a page or so really helps. I thought I was a champion sleeper, then my meds worked.

3. I Kept My Bedroom Tidy

It’s incredible how easy it is to make a mess when you’re severely depressed. My room was so often under a foot of laundry that my partner used to joke I didn’t need carpets. I knew it was ridiculous, but I just couldn’t seem to stretch the extra inches to drop my dirty laundry into the washing basket.

My partner would round it up and wash it. I know what you’re thinking: how spoiled, I wouldn’t do that for my kids, but honestly, I’m too old to cover up smells with body spray, and that’s what I had started doing.

Then, my incredibly patient partner would put my clean clothes in a pile on my bed. All I had to do was pick up the piles, turn ninety degrees and put them in the drawers. That was too much. My clean clothes would end up on the floor, mixing with the dirty ones, and the mugs, plates, empty drinks cans, and other crap that would pile up because it was too much to take anything downstairs.

It was horrid. I thought I was just a slob, then my meds worked.

4. I Could Leave My Phone at Home Without Panicking

I’ll be the first to admit I’m hooked on the internet. Most people have a somewhat unhealthy connection with their phone these days, either because of Facebook, Twitter, eBay or whatever. This wasn’t that. This was an honest to goodness terror of being disconnected.

I was totally afraid of being alone, not being able to contact friends, even if only briefly. Quick texts became a mainstay of my coping mechanisms. Just the ability to reach out and make human contact with someone, if only to receive a smiley in return.

It helped a lot, on the odd occasion it actually got me through a dark thought or two. Knowing that is probably why I was so scared of being without it. I couldn’t go about more than 15 minutes without checking my phone, then my meds worked.

How To Still Be A GREAT Parent When You’re Depressed

5. I Drank Enough Water

I actually quite like really cold water. We have it freely accessible at work. All I had to do was fill my bottle, then fill my face. This was too much for me. Sometimes, I’d get to supper time having drunk nothing. I’d just about manage some soda at dinner time, or maybe some fruit juice.

It didn’t matter how much my partner nagged. She would hand me glasses of water, I’d take two sips, put them down, and they’d sit untouched. They still do some nights, but that’s because I’m no fan of our village water supply. My constant dehydration probably added to the problems I was having with my mental health. I just couldn’t see it. I thought the whole benefit of hydration was a myth, then my meds worked.

6. I Actually Enjoyed Silence

There’s a lot of white noise in your head, and when you’re depressed it hates you. It goes on and on about things that it knows will upset you. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I found that if I blocked the noises with music, films, anything at all, then I wasn’t likely to have a meltdown over some bullsh*t thing my head was banging on about now.

It takes its toll, constantly having noise is exhausting of the senses. Silence is restful, it’s good for the soul. I wanted to love it but I couldn’t stand it, then my meds worked.

I still have bad days, and sometimes these things come back and bite me on the proverbial, but now I know what causes them I can deal with them.

I didn’t write this article to crow about my meds… well, not just that anyway. Hopefully, it’ll shine a bit of a light for other people stuck with the same subtle, yet pervading physical symptoms of the dreaded depression.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 6 VERY Unexpected Side Effects Of Finally Going On Antidepressants.

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5 Times to Embrace the Power of Negative Thinking

Yes, REALLY.

My whole life I have been told to embrace the power of positive thinking. This was something a lot of adults said to me, a negative, nervous little girl, riddled with anxiety.

Well, that and “stop worrying or you’ll give yourself an ulcer.”

Thanks, Mrs. Nicholson! Ulcers don’t work that way! Anxiety is more than something other than an annoyance for you to deal with from 9 to 3! Fourth grade was a living nightmare and also I hate you!

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The truth of the matter is this, our negative emotions are just as important in our lives as our positive emotions.

I know that I, for one, used to view my negative emotions as things that were “bad”, that I needed to change. But in his new book, The Power Of Negative Thinking, Dr. Tim Lomas shows what he’s learned over the course of his career thus far — and a big part of that is how our understanding our negative emotions and letting them be can actually make us much more happier in the long run.

Here are some examples of the physical and mental benefits of our negative emotions. Now if you will excuse me, while you read I will go have a good cry.

1. Pulling Away When You’re Sad

When you go through something like a big break up, or you’re mourning the loss of a loved one, it’s totally normal to retreat from the world, wrap yourself up in a blanket and lay in your bed with only Netflix and the delivery guy for company and comfort. It’s just as normal for your friends to try and break you out of your funk.

But here’s the thing, neuroscientists have found that when you retreat this way your brain is telling your body to go into its own very necessary form of hibernation. It’s doing what it needs to do to let you heal and to help you feel stronger than ever. Let the streets know!

2. Crying Your Eyes Out

I cry at the drop of the hat. Happy, sad, angry, I am prone to cry. I used to get frustrated about this because as a working woman it’s a tough enough struggle as it is already without adding an ocean of tears into the equation. Plus, crying when you’re say, having a fight with a partner, completely undermines you leaving both parties frustrated.

Luckily there’s science behind our weeping. Tears remove toxins (including stress hormones), kill bacteria, and keep our mucus membranes moist and lubricated, making our sight better than ever. You know that great feeling of calm after a bout of weeping? There’s biology behind it! Crying clears up your perspective in more ways than one.

3. Feeling Incredibly Bored

When I was kid I was constantly complaining to my parents about being bored. My dad would cryptically respond to my complaints with “talk to me in twenty years.” I know what he means now, and I miss those days where I had even an extra to waste on a feeling like boredom.

It turns out I’m pining with good reason. A scientist discovered a strange pattern in our brain activity when we aren’t engaged in a specific task. He called this pattern the Default Mode Network (DMN). Today neuroscientists believe that the DMN plays a critical role in our artistic ideas, new thoughts, and sense of self. In short, when you think you’re bored you are probably right on track to be struck with a brilliant idea.

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4. When You’re Lonely

There is a real difference between feeling lonely and enjoy solitude. In the fuss of our constantly connected age, now more than ever we need to remember not just how to disconnect, but how to be alone, enjoying or solitude without feeling “lonely.”

Enjoying solitude can allow for your brain to “reboot,” helps bolster productivity, and solve problems with greater ease. There’s more to enjoying a night to yourself than eating a pint of ice cream and watching Mean Girls, science says so.

5. Those Times Anxiety Strikes

Anxiety is something we all experience in one form or another. Unless you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, daily anxiety can be helpful in encouraging you to test your boundaries, push yourself, and to be better prepared to face adversity.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield calls this embracing the power of negative thinking, and he’s right. Rather than looking at any of these negative feelings as hindrances, we should start seeing all the ways in which these natural and normal emotions help us in very real ways every day.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Scientific Reasons Anxious, Negative People Are Actually HEALTHIER.Save

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True Story: One Father’s Struggle with Postpartum Depression

Dads get the “baby blues” too.

People might not realize this, but, after the birth of a child, both women and men can encounter symptoms of postpartum depression. I’m speaking from experience here.

After the birth of my daughter, which endures as one of the happiest moments of my life, I found myself struggling with unexpected waves of anxiety, fear, and depression.

It was horrible, and what made it worse, was that I was very uncomfortable talking about it.

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Here’s why — don’t you hate it when a couple says “we’re pregnant”?

I do. Because the dude isn’t pregnant. He’s not going to have to squeeze a bowling ball out of his downstairs business, so, c’mon, give credit where credit is due — SHE is pregnant and the guy is along for the ride.

I’ve never liked it when a man tried to make the pregnancy about him. He plays a part, sure, but, I was always of the opinion that, as a guy, there is NO way that I can ever comprehend the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy, so my role was to sit back, be supportive, and shut up.

And, for the most part, I think that strategy works.

However, I wasn’t prepared for how “shutting up” would negatively impact me AFTER my wife gave birth.

Because becoming a parent stirs up deep, powerful emotions. And, while many of those feelings are overwhelmingly sunny and positive, they can, sometimes, cast a shadow. Those epic highs lend themselves to equally epic lows and, suddenly, you find yourself crying and you don’t know why.

Once we brought my daughter home, I found myself confronted with those overpowering moments of terror and panic and I didn’t say anything about them.

Why? Because my wife had just gone through a freakin’ c-section. She’d spent almost a year getting sick every day, while a living creature grew in her belly, and then doctors had to cut her open to pull the creature out. They then sewed her up, handed her the creature, and expected that she’d know how to feed and care for it.

That’s a lot of shit to put on a person. No question — my wife had it WORSE than I did. There’s no comparison.

However, just because things were harder for my wife doesn’t mean that they weren’t also hard for me. She might win the miserable contest, hands down, but I was still in a really bad place. And I was too embarrassed to let my support network know that I needed them.

The more I’ve talked to new fathers, the more common I realize this experience is.

We’ve all just watched our partners go through one of the most intense physical experiences in the world, so we just feel ashamed to admit that we’re hurting a little too. It feels like our struggles are frivolous in comparison, but the fact is they’re very, very real and painful. Postpartum depression can be painfully real for men too, even if it’s embarrassing.

It all came to a head for me the first evening I spent alone with my daughter.

I’d encouraged my wife to go out with some friends — she’d only consented to leave for a few hours — and told her I’d be fine. Our baby was so good and happy. A little alone time was going to be good for us.

So she left. And my daughter started crying. She rarely cried.

And she cried, as if she’d been set on fire, for three hours non-stop.

I was beside myself. She never did this and, no matter what I tried, I could not get her to stop.

It shredded me, but I knew I couldn’t call my wife. I wanted her to have a fun first night out. I didn’t want her to worry. I was supposed to able to handle this.

My wife called me when she was leaving to come home, and I guess she heard the panic in my voice. She asked if I was OK. My voice cracked and I said, “Just please get here soon.”

She raced home and, the SECOND she stepped into our apartment, my daughter stopped crying. The baby smiled. The baby laughed. The baby goddamn cooed.

I handed her to my confused wife without a word, went into our bedroom, locked the door, laid down on the bed, and cried for thirty minutes.

Once I opened the door again, my wife and I had our first conversation about my postpartum depression.

I will say, my depression was extremely manageable in comparison to some stories I’ve heard. It came in waves that seemed to grow smaller and smaller as I became more comfortable as a father. So I was lucky.

Lucky it wasn’t more severe and lucky that my partner was so supportive (even though, again, she had it SO much worse than I did).

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But, more than anything, it really opened my eyes about the importance of men needing to talk about postpartum depression.

It doesn’t just happen to women. It is important. And it is valid and OK acknowledge that you’re not feeling right, even when you know your partner is feeling worse.

Men — don’t be afraid to speak up about your anxiety and emotions following the birth of a child.

The healthiest thing you can do, for everyone, is get your feelings out into the open and let your support network do their job, even if they’re breastfeeding and changing diapers while they do it.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Yes, Men Suffer From Postpartum Depression Too (Trust Me, I Know).

True Story: One Father’s Struggle with Postpartum Depression
True Story: One Father’s Struggle with Postpartum Depression
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Fighting Depression at Work

“Fighting depression” does not appear on any job description.

Conducting job duties — no matter how menial or how daunting — has never been an issue for me. In one job, I faithfully took a former boss’s clothes to and from the cleaners. In another, I had the pleasure of demonstrating a business solution for those who run a global corporation. Due to past traumas that occurred during previous jobs, however, I constantly fight an inner war against depression.

The most depressing part of my past was looking forward to working at a new job and being told by new supervisors that they looked forward to working with me — only to find later that I failed to perform at my job.

For my first major job after graduating from college, I was hired by a state government. When first hired, I was told how impressive my work was. Not only did I feel an incredibly huge sense of job security, but this was the time when I met the woman who would someday become my wife.

Less than a year later, though, my supervisor fired me in front of my new wife. During this event, my supervisor recited my mistakes. She mentioned that I not only performed poorly but I lacked confidence, as well. The sad thing is that she previously documented that my work ethic made me a reliable employee, even though I had trouble performing. Not only that, the women who ran this department were actually using government property to exchange male pornography, discuss sexual enhancement devices, and use e-mail referencing the television program “Gilligan’s Island.”

I’m always thinking, “Umm, I’m the one who was fired?” I will never recover from being fired in front of my wife. I think about this every day at work, even 17 years later.

After failing as a state employee, I settled into the role of a business software engineer. I had a hard time holding a job, however, due to mistakes that I had made and outright lies told about me to my supervisors by customers. Understanding business is hard enough. But configuring software for business comes with stress, self-doubt, and much embarrassment.

Instead of implementing software for multiple companies, I now work for one company. I have a supervisor who tells me that I need to work on my self-perception. In fact, he tells me that I’m too hard on myself.
This sounds wonderful. But the seeds of depression that were planted by previous supervisors have created a responsibility that I’m bound to perform every day, battling thoughts of depressing episodes from my past.

I wish that I could explain what keeps me going. In fact, I have even had to force myself to stop pondering the question, “What was the point of working so hard in college?”

Decades from now, when I’m making arrangements for my final resting place, I will ensure that my headstone displays the following epitaph: “At least he tried!” As disturbing as that sounds, at least it’s an honorable and impressive evaluation of my job performance.

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Fighting Depression at Work
Fighting Depression at Work
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