Psychologist Archives - Christel Maritz

Being Self-aware or NOT?

LACK OF SELF-AWARENSS AS PART OF A Personality Disorders

Personality disorders are a group of mental health conditions that involve long-lasting, disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, mood and relating to others.

People with personality disorders often don’t realize their thoughts and behaviors are problematic. Self-awareness is arguably the most fundamental issue in psychology, from both a developmental and an evolutionary perspective. It allows us to see things from the perspective of others, practice self-control, work creatively and productively, and experience pride in ourselves and our work as well as general self-esteem (Silvia & O’Brien, 2004). It leads to better decision making (Ridley, Schutz, Glanz, & Weinstein, 1992).

It is one of the first components of the self-concept to emerge. People are not born completely self-aware. Yet evidence suggests that infants do have a rudimentary sense of self-awareness. Being self-aware all the time is hard. In fact, there are many human flaws – or cognitive biases – that keep us from making rational decisions. It’s these human biases that cause a lack of self-awareness.

“Self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards.”

Internal self-awareness, represents how clearly we see our own values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others. External self-awareness, means understanding how other people view us. When it comes to internal and external self-awareness, it’s tempting to value one over the other. The bottom line is that self-awareness isn’t one truth. It’s a delicate balance of two distinct, even competing, viewpoints.

Self-awareness is a crucial skill to have when it comes to being a kind, compassionate, and happy person. However, most humans are prone to doing things or making decisions that don’t seem self-aware at all.

Disorders of self-awareness frequently follow frontal lobe damage. Patients with bilateral lesions of the premotor cortex often have poor self-awareness and tap their fingers slowly. Patients with orbitofrontal lesions also may have impaired self-awareness, but their speed of finger tapping is normal.

Although most people believe that they are self-aware, true self-awareness is a rare quality. Self-awareness seems to have become the latest management buzzword — and for good reason. Research suggests that when we see ourselves clearly, we are more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively. We’re less likely to lie, cheat, and steal. We are better workers who get more promotions. And we’re more-effective leaders with more-satisfied employees and more-profitable companies.

Bodily self-awareness.
Social self-awareness.
Introspective self-awareness.

There are 4 keys to self-awareness—being intentional, thinking differently, building skills, and changing your context—that can make a vital difference in moving from passive self-awareness to dynamic action.

What disorder lacks self-awareness?

Individuals who have signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder have one major thing in common, a lack of self-awareness.

Why is self-awareness so important?

Being self-aware gives us the ability to end negative, unhealthy patterns. If you’re in a relationship with someone who seems to lack self-awareness, whether they have signs and symptoms of BPD or NPD, we need to get to the core of the issues. When someone is lacking self-awareness, it will contribute to arguments within the relationship. A person who lacks self-awareness doesn’t have the ability to fully see how their actions and attitude affect another person. When we look closely into an unhealthy relationship, we find a lack of self-awareness.

Lack of insight also typically causes a person to avoid treatment. When someone rejects a diagnosis of mental illness, it’s tempting to say that he’s “in denial.” But someone with acute mental illness may not be thinking clearly enough to consciously choose denial. They may instead be experiencing “lack of insight” or “lack of awareness.” The formal medical term for this medical condition is anosognosia, from the Greek meaning “to not know a disease.”

INTROSPECTION DOESN’T ALWAYS IMPROVE SELF-AWARENESS

It is also widely assumed that introspection — examining the causes of our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors — improves self-awareness. After all, what better way to know ourselves than by reflecting on why we are the way we are?

We need to be sure we are self-aware and apply it to ourselves in order to be more successful in every aspect of our lives. Self-awareness is key to mindfulness and understanding oneself fully. Cultivating self-awareness requires an introspective approach, a system, and a process to actively and consciously engage in the recognition of ourselves as individuals. This means focusing on all of our being—our beliefs (open or limiting), our physical state of health, our mental state of health, our spiritual state of health, and more. It is an acceptance of all the good parts of ourselves and the areas that need improvement. It’s about who we are and what we do daily in each moment.

When Personas Split: Maintaining Stability and the Impact on Relationships

What is Splitting?

Splitting occurs when a person unconsciously divides aspects of themselves or others into extremes—good or bad, trustworthy or deceitful, lovable or unlovable. It is a psychological defense mechanism often seen in individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or other personality disturbances. Instead of integrating the complexities of human emotions and relationships, those who engage in splitting create rigid categories that influence how they perceive and interact with the world.

How Does It Happen?

Splitting is often rooted in childhood experiences, particularly those involving trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. When a child learns that their emotional needs are unpredictably met—sometimes receiving love and other times rejection—they may develop an unstable internal framework for understanding relationships. This leads to a fractured sense of self, where different personas emerge in response to various situations.

As the individual grows, they may shift between different versions of themselves depending on their environment. In relationships, this can create instability, as their emotional state and perceptions of others fluctuate drastically. One moment, a partner may be idealized and adored; the next, they are devalued and dismissed as untrustworthy.

The Impact on Relationships

When someone experiences internal division through splitting, relationships often suffer due to:

Emotional Instability – Frequent mood swings make it difficult for partners, friends, or family members to know what to expect.
Trust Issues – The inability to maintain a balanced view of others results in a cycle of admiration and betrayal.
Unresolved Conflicts – The person engaging in splitting may refuse to acknowledge their role in conflicts, always assigning blame to others.
Emotional Exhaustion – The intensity of their shifting personas can be draining for those close to them, leading to burnout and relationship breakdowns.
Fear of Abandonment – The instability often stems from deep-rooted fears of rejection, making them both clingy and avoidant in relationships.

Do They Know What They Are Doing?

This is one of the most difficult aspects of splitting—sometimes, the person is fully aware that they are shifting between personas, while other times, they are acting on subconscious defense mechanisms. Some individuals use manipulation as a survival tool, intentionally altering their behavior to control situations or people. Others, however, are unaware of their actions and genuinely struggle to maintain a consistent self-identity.

Markers to Look Out For

Recognizing when someone is engaging in splitting behaviors can help foster understanding and promote healthier interactions. Some common signs include:

Drastic Mood or Personality Shifts – The person may seem radically different in varying circumstances, switching from affectionate to distant or confident to insecure.
Compartmentalized Relationships – They may act differently depending on the social setting, with stark contrasts between personal and professional behavior.
Inconsistent Emotional Reactions – Their emotional responses may not align with the situation, shifting from extreme defensiveness to deep vulnerability.
Conflicted Self-Perception – The person may struggle with a stable sense of self, sometimes viewing themselves as highly capable and other times as completely unworthy.
Difficulty with Conflict Resolution – A person engaging in splitting may categorize people as entirely good or bad, making reconciliation difficult.

What Can Be Done?

If you or someone you know struggles with splitting personas, there are steps to take toward greater self-integration and improved relationships:

Self-Awareness: Recognizing when and why different personas emerge can help create a more cohesive sense of self.
Therapeutic Support: Working with a mental health professional can aid in uncovering the underlying causes of splitting and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Open Communication: Encouraging honest and open dialogue in relationships can help reduce misunderstandings and foster deeper connections.
Mindfulness Practices: Engaging in grounding techniques can help individuals stay present and integrated.
Boundary Setting: Establishing and respecting personal boundaries can create a sense of security and prevent emotional overload.

Final Thoughts

While splitting personas can be a means of maintaining stability, it often comes at the cost of relational harmony. By understanding the markers of splitting and addressing its underlying causes, individuals can move toward a more unified self and foster healthier, more stable relationships. If you or someone close to you struggles with this dynamic, seeking professional support can be a valuable step toward healing and connection.

The pursuit of illness for secondary gains

Secondary gains is defined as the advantage that occurs secondary to stated or real illness.

Secondary gains are the “benefits” people get from not overcoming a problem. For many people who are stuck, secondary gains are an important mechanism in why they stay stuck. Secondary gain is usually not something people are consciously aware of. Transition into the sick role may have some incidental secondary gains for person, using illness for personal advantage and consciously using symptoms for financial or other benefits.These symptoms may contribute to social breakdown and the patient’s choice to remain in the sick role.

THIS Person finds the pressure of their work and/or achieving overwhelming. If they get “unsick” they will need to return to work and fulfill their own or others’ high expectations. Staying sick is reinforced.

It is common for symptoms of chronic pain and illness to be connected to early childhood attachment trauma. In these cases, physical symptoms may be related to emotional material that is connected to a young part of self. Here, we must recognize that we all have parts of ourselves that can sometimes be at odds with each other. For example, an adult part might be working toward self-care and symptom reduction; however, a young part might be sabotaging these efforts or unwilling to let go of pain symptoms. To work with this process, we aim to bring in support for the young part of self in the form of allies and resources.

The point of understanding secondary gain is that all the people involved are trapped by it.

Secondary gains can be defined as any positive advantages that accompanies physical or psychological symptoms. Often, the reasons for secondary gains are deep and psychologically complex (Dersh, et al., 2004; Fishbain, 1994). As a result, people may be unaware of the psychological causes of the chronic physical pain or illness.

Secondary gains may be so reinforcing to the patient that the original depression cannot be affected by treatment and reveal narcissistic gratification because of their disorder. Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They may exploit the kindness and attentiveness of others, shirk responsibility, and avoid the demands of interpersonal interaction.

It’s hard not to judge. Some say their natural development was arrested, often due to faulty, early parenting. Some believe the cause lies in parental harshness or criticalness.

Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut observed that his narcissistic clients suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked the sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity.

A Year of Growth and Reflection

The festive season can often bring up emotions and triggers that leave us feeling vulnerable. Yet, it’s also a time to pause, reflect on what we’ve overcome, and consider what still needs attention. What we’ve accomplished in 2024 becomes our stepping stone for 2025—a year where we continue to grow stronger, lighter, and more equipped to face life’s challenges.

Part of the challenge during the festive season is navigating relationships with loved ones who may be neurodivergent or have personality disorders. These dynamics often require a deeper level of patience, understanding, and emotional resilience. Neurodivergent individuals may struggle with changes in routine, sensory sensitivities, or heightened social demands during this time, while those with personality disorders might experience intensified emotions, interpersonal conflicts, or difficulty managing their feelings in communal settings.

As a result, it’s crucial to focus on emotionally regulating ourselves. Emotional regulation involves recognizing and managing our emotions in ways that allow us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, setting realistic expectations, and practicing self-compassion can help reduce stressors. By understanding our emotional triggers and finding strategies that work best for us, we can foster an environment of grace, inclusivity, and understanding that supports both ourselves and our loved ones.

At the same time, maintaining healthy boundaries is essential. Boundaries are not barriers but guidelines that protect everyone’s emotional and physical well-being. Clear and compassionate boundaries create communal spaces of safety and respect, ensuring that individual needs are honored without compromising the collective harmony of gatherings. This balance allows for a festive environment where inclusivity and empathy coexist with the security and self-care necessary for meaningful connections.

I want to thank each of you for trusting me on your healing journey. As we move into this reflective season, take the time to acknowledge your progress, release what no longer serves you, and fill your cup with joy and hope for the year ahead.

If new emotions arise, or you find yourself ready to unpack and resolve more, please reach out to me at cmaritz67@gmail.com for an appointment. Let’s work together to embrace 2025 with renewed strength and fresh perspectives.

Warm wishes,
Christa Maritz
Clinical Psychologist, Somerset West

Contact: cmaritz67@gmail.com