Christel Maritz Blog - Page 5 of 30

When Personas Split: Maintaining Stability and the Impact on Relationships

What is Splitting?

Splitting occurs when a person unconsciously divides aspects of themselves or others into extremes—good or bad, trustworthy or deceitful, lovable or unlovable. It is a psychological defense mechanism often seen in individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or other personality disturbances. Instead of integrating the complexities of human emotions and relationships, those who engage in splitting create rigid categories that influence how they perceive and interact with the world.

How Does It Happen?

Splitting is often rooted in childhood experiences, particularly those involving trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving. When a child learns that their emotional needs are unpredictably met—sometimes receiving love and other times rejection—they may develop an unstable internal framework for understanding relationships. This leads to a fractured sense of self, where different personas emerge in response to various situations.

As the individual grows, they may shift between different versions of themselves depending on their environment. In relationships, this can create instability, as their emotional state and perceptions of others fluctuate drastically. One moment, a partner may be idealized and adored; the next, they are devalued and dismissed as untrustworthy.

The Impact on Relationships

When someone experiences internal division through splitting, relationships often suffer due to:

Emotional Instability – Frequent mood swings make it difficult for partners, friends, or family members to know what to expect.
Trust Issues – The inability to maintain a balanced view of others results in a cycle of admiration and betrayal.
Unresolved Conflicts – The person engaging in splitting may refuse to acknowledge their role in conflicts, always assigning blame to others.
Emotional Exhaustion – The intensity of their shifting personas can be draining for those close to them, leading to burnout and relationship breakdowns.
Fear of Abandonment – The instability often stems from deep-rooted fears of rejection, making them both clingy and avoidant in relationships.

Do They Know What They Are Doing?

This is one of the most difficult aspects of splitting—sometimes, the person is fully aware that they are shifting between personas, while other times, they are acting on subconscious defense mechanisms. Some individuals use manipulation as a survival tool, intentionally altering their behavior to control situations or people. Others, however, are unaware of their actions and genuinely struggle to maintain a consistent self-identity.

Markers to Look Out For

Recognizing when someone is engaging in splitting behaviors can help foster understanding and promote healthier interactions. Some common signs include:

Drastic Mood or Personality Shifts – The person may seem radically different in varying circumstances, switching from affectionate to distant or confident to insecure.
Compartmentalized Relationships – They may act differently depending on the social setting, with stark contrasts between personal and professional behavior.
Inconsistent Emotional Reactions – Their emotional responses may not align with the situation, shifting from extreme defensiveness to deep vulnerability.
Conflicted Self-Perception – The person may struggle with a stable sense of self, sometimes viewing themselves as highly capable and other times as completely unworthy.
Difficulty with Conflict Resolution – A person engaging in splitting may categorize people as entirely good or bad, making reconciliation difficult.

What Can Be Done?

If you or someone you know struggles with splitting personas, there are steps to take toward greater self-integration and improved relationships:

Self-Awareness: Recognizing when and why different personas emerge can help create a more cohesive sense of self.
Therapeutic Support: Working with a mental health professional can aid in uncovering the underlying causes of splitting and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Open Communication: Encouraging honest and open dialogue in relationships can help reduce misunderstandings and foster deeper connections.
Mindfulness Practices: Engaging in grounding techniques can help individuals stay present and integrated.
Boundary Setting: Establishing and respecting personal boundaries can create a sense of security and prevent emotional overload.

Final Thoughts

While splitting personas can be a means of maintaining stability, it often comes at the cost of relational harmony. By understanding the markers of splitting and addressing its underlying causes, individuals can move toward a more unified self and foster healthier, more stable relationships. If you or someone close to you struggles with this dynamic, seeking professional support can be a valuable step toward healing and connection.

The pursuit of illness for secondary gains

Secondary gains is defined as the advantage that occurs secondary to stated or real illness.

Secondary gains are the “benefits” people get from not overcoming a problem. For many people who are stuck, secondary gains are an important mechanism in why they stay stuck. Secondary gain is usually not something people are consciously aware of. Transition into the sick role may have some incidental secondary gains for person, using illness for personal advantage and consciously using symptoms for financial or other benefits.These symptoms may contribute to social breakdown and the patient’s choice to remain in the sick role.

THIS Person finds the pressure of their work and/or achieving overwhelming. If they get “unsick” they will need to return to work and fulfill their own or others’ high expectations. Staying sick is reinforced.

It is common for symptoms of chronic pain and illness to be connected to early childhood attachment trauma. In these cases, physical symptoms may be related to emotional material that is connected to a young part of self. Here, we must recognize that we all have parts of ourselves that can sometimes be at odds with each other. For example, an adult part might be working toward self-care and symptom reduction; however, a young part might be sabotaging these efforts or unwilling to let go of pain symptoms. To work with this process, we aim to bring in support for the young part of self in the form of allies and resources.

The point of understanding secondary gain is that all the people involved are trapped by it.

Secondary gains can be defined as any positive advantages that accompanies physical or psychological symptoms. Often, the reasons for secondary gains are deep and psychologically complex (Dersh, et al., 2004; Fishbain, 1994). As a result, people may be unaware of the psychological causes of the chronic physical pain or illness.

Secondary gains may be so reinforcing to the patient that the original depression cannot be affected by treatment and reveal narcissistic gratification because of their disorder. Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They may exploit the kindness and attentiveness of others, shirk responsibility, and avoid the demands of interpersonal interaction.

It’s hard not to judge. Some say their natural development was arrested, often due to faulty, early parenting. Some believe the cause lies in parental harshness or criticalness.

Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut observed that his narcissistic clients suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked the sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity.

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The Rise in Neurodivergence: What the Numbers Say

Over the past decade, there has been a significant increase in the recognition and diagnosis of neurodivergent conditions such as ADHD, Dyslexia, Sensory Processing Disorder, and other cognitive differences. Studies indicate that global diagnoses of neurodivergence have increased, with research highlighting that more individuals are now identified as neurodivergent due to improved awareness and screening methods.

But why this sudden rise? Research suggests several contributing factors:

Greater Awareness & Improved Diagnostic Tools – Clinicians now recognize a wider spectrum of neurodivergent traits, leading to more accurate diagnoses.
Environmental and Genetic Influences – Studies suggest prenatal and early childhood environmental factors, as well as hereditary links, play a role.
Reduced Stigma – With increased advocacy, more individuals feel comfortable seeking assessments and support.

How Neurodivergence Affects Families and Relationships

Living with or loving a neurodivergent individual introduces unique challenges and strengths within relationships. Families often experience heightened emotional intensity, communication difficulties, and the need for additional structure. Common themes include:

Emotional Misalignment: A neurotypical partner or parent may struggle to understand sensory sensitivities, social anxiety, or hyperfocus tendencies.
Parental Burnout: Raising a neurodivergent child often requires extensive emotional and logistical support, leading to stress and exhaustion.
Relationship Struggles: Misinterpretations of social cues, impulsivity, and executive functioning challenges can create friction in partnerships.

While these dynamics can be difficult, understanding and adapting can strengthen relationships. Many families find that embracing neurodivergence leads to deeper compassion, patience, and creativity in problem-solving.

Then vs. Now: How Our Understanding Has Evolved

A decade ago, neurodivergent conditions were often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Labels such as “troublemaker” (for ADHD) or “withdrawn” (for neurodivergent individuals) were common, and many individuals went undiagnosed well into adulthood. Today, the medical and psychological fields recognize that neurodivergence is not a deficit but a difference in brain functioning. Emphasis has shifted towards strength-based approaches that value neurodivergent individuals’ unique abilities rather than solely focusing on challenges.

First Encounters: How to Respond to a Neurodivergent Person

If you are interacting with a neurodivergent individual for the first time, here are key things to remember:

What NOT to Do:
- Do not dismiss their experiences as “overreacting.”
- Avoid forcing eye contact or social interaction.
- Refrain from saying, “You don’t look neurodivergent,” as this invalidates their experience.
What to Do Instead:
- Offer patience and flexibility.
- Respect their sensory needs (e.g., avoiding overwhelming environments).
- Communicate clearly and directly.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you or a loved one struggles with relationship challenges, sensory overwhelm, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation due to neurodivergence, therapy can provide valuable support. Seeking professional help does not mean something is “wrong”—it means you are taking a proactive step toward understanding and thriving.

As a clinical psychologist based in Somerset West, I have spent countless hours in therapy sessions exploring the complexities of neurodivergence. I have seen firsthand how it can derail relationships, yet also how, with the right support, individuals and families can navigate these challenges successfully.

Let’s Talk – Book a Session

If you’re wondering whether therapy could help, let’s start with a conversation. Reach out to me, Christel Maritz, for an appointment where we can explore your concerns and see if therapy is the right fit for you.

📧 Email me at cmaritz67@gmail.com to book your session today.

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Childhood Abandonment and Understanding Trauma

Childhood is a crucial period for emotional and psychological development. When a child experiences neglect or abandonment, it can leave deep emotional scars that affect their sense of security, self-worth, and ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. In this article, we will explore what childhood abandonment and trauma entail, how to identify signs of distress in children, approaches to healing, and when to seek professional help.

What is Childhood Abandonment and Trauma?

Childhood abandonment occurs when a child perceives—or actually experiences—a lack of emotional or physical care from their primary caregivers. This can happen due to physical absence, emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or even chronic criticism.

Trauma, in this context, refers to the emotional and psychological wounds that develop from prolonged neglect or a caregiver’s failure to meet a child’s emotional needs. The impact of such trauma can be profound, influencing a child’s ability to trust, regulate emotions, and develop a stable sense of self.

Common Causes of Childhood Abandonment Trauma

Parental neglect – caregivers who are physically present but emotionally unavailable.
Divorce or separation – children may feel rejected or blame themselves.
Death of a parent or caregiver – leading to grief and attachment difficulties.
Parental mental illness or substance abuse – causing unpredictable caregiving.
Institutionalization or foster care – frequent changes in caregivers can prevent secure attachment.

Identifying Signs of Abandonment Trauma in Children

Recognizing childhood abandonment trauma is essential for early intervention. Signs may manifest differently depending on the child’s age and personality, but common indicators include:

Emotional withdrawal – appearing overly independent or struggling to express emotions.
Fear of rejection or clinginess – excessive worry about being left alone or unloved.
Low self-esteem – feelings of worthlessness or self-doubt.
Difficulty forming relationships – struggles with trust, attachment, or maintaining friendships.
Anxiety or depression – excessive sadness, hopelessness, or frequent mood swings.
Behavioral issues – defiance, aggression, or difficulty following rules.
Perfectionism or people-pleasing – constantly seeking validation and fearing disapproval.

Approaches to Healing Childhood Trauma

Healing from childhood abandonment trauma requires a compassionate and structured approach. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Creating a Safe and Stable Environment

Children need consistency and security to heal. Providing a predictable routine, nurturing relationships, and a supportive home environment helps rebuild trust.

2. Encouraging Emotional Expression

Help children identify and express their feelings in a safe manner. Encouraging open conversations about their fears and emotions can foster emotional resilience.

3. Strengthening Attachment Bonds

If possible, rebuilding a secure attachment with the primary caregiver can be healing. This involves active listening, quality time, and reassuring the child of their worth and love.

4. Teaching Coping Skills

Mindfulness, breathing exercises, and creative outlets such as drawing or storytelling can help children process their emotions in a healthy way.

5. Seeking Professional Support

In cases where the trauma is deeply rooted, professional intervention is crucial. A clinical psychologist can provide therapy tailored to the child’s needs, such as play therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), or attachment-based interventions.

When to Seek Professional Help

If a child shows persistent signs of distress, difficulty functioning in daily life, or symptoms of anxiety, depression, or PTSD, it is time to seek professional guidance. Therapy can help children process their experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

As a clinical psychologist based in Somerset West, Western Cape, I am passionate about supporting families in understanding and overcoming trauma. If you need guidance in helping your child heal from abandonment trauma, you can contact me at cmaritz67@gmail.com for an appointment.

Healing is possible with the right support, patience, and understanding. By acknowledging and addressing childhood abandonment trauma, we can empower children to grow into emotionally resilient and confident individuals.